I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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