his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
