she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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