your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
