He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
it's great music for shaving your balls
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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