My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
