There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
