When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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