She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
