Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
