Soap is not a condiment
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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