the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
