theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
