If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
farters have to be the big spoon...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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