$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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