I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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