i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
