I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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