Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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