I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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