using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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