Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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