i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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