Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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