There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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