I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We need a shit load of segways right now
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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