sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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