she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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