I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
