Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
