just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
