What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize