I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
