i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
