I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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