just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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