I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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