so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
