My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize