I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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