last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
