first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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