Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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