So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You ate ashes out of my bong
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize