we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
