we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
