I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
