We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
and she was petting her beer can
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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