he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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