Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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