dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
