I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
