omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
