im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
