Well douche your snatch and let's go!
look no pants
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
