If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
