come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
