You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
