Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
