What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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