Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
