apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
