That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
