I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Actions speak louder than pants.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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