We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
