When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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