when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
