apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
