i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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