ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
