Midget sex pt 2 tonight
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I think I just sharted jello shots
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
