I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
