Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
